I woke up this morning with very high levels of anxiety, 2 hours sleep and a f-ed digestive system. Like I felt physically destroyed and emotionally pretty tense. Still I went to work, despite considering several times not getting up. I even had breakfast (I usually do not care enough to make sure that I don’t feel like fainting after one hour into the day).
I drove to work and talked to J in the car. I remember the feeling getting out of the car and walking towards my office – so deeply depressed and dark. The weather was also very fitting. But I went in anyways (didn’t really feel like much of a choice). Then I was lucky to run into my coworker P early on and yes – it is actually a pretty nice thing to be welcomed in the morning knowing that they are happy to see you. P was also really kind listening to all these worries/problems I have in regards to our work environment. It helped to gain a little more clarity and feel a tiny bit less helpless and overwhelmed.
I even felt inspired to ask my team leader later for clarification about one of the things I struggle so much with. Unfortunately he confirmed what I had been perceiving non-verbally the whole time already – but still it feels much better to have clarity and have it explicitly pronounced – puts me a little bit back into my power when things are pronounced.
The hardest today was really managing to keep at least a minimum of productive focus. My brain felt like lead. But yes, somehow I had more determination (I am guessing that talking to J might be a factor in here – I often observe that I have greater determination and willpower when I talk regularly with J).
I drank loads of black tea – which is a pretty risky thing to do for me, since too much caffeine can give me panic attacks. But it seems to have worked out for today, I managed to be pretty productive for the extreme degree of exhaustion I was feeling – still I am thinking that it might be a healthier choice (emotionally and physically) to experiment with Mate instead of Caffeine in the future.
And then there were just a few things that were actually just really nice and coaxed a smile out of tired Me:
- There were two people who asked me to hang – people where I am quite positive that I will enjoy their company (I have met them before). I only recently moved to this city – so making new friends is really important. I want to watch out for myself though – since both of them are guys and I currently only would want a platonic friendship from either of them. But since I am so shitty with my own boundaries, I will really have to watch out here. I could easily move into a relationship dynamic that I might realize too late that I am actually uncomfortable about.
- Through the medium of my mother I have gotten in contact with a therapist friend of hers who is willing to listen to me once a week (which will be basically an even more intense version of my talks with J). We spoke briefly on the phone today – and I really hope that he might be a person who is capable of listening in a way that supports me and helps me overcome my crisis and find more stability and joy even.
After work – despite being extremely tired – I actually managed to take care of some really urgent chores – which in this case was definitely the best positive action in the moment. And I am a bit proud of myself, because usually I would have just wasted the evening on the couch, surfing reddit and feeling really depressed and hopeless afterwards.