As an introduction: I don’t really fit… as usual

I don’t even know for sure if I have BPD. 12 years ago a psychiatrist diagnosed me with a personality disorder – but he did not tell me about the diagnosis at the time and I learned about it only second hand later, so I am not sure if it was actually BPD. But on the other hand no other personality disorders really fit the bill here, so it was most likely BPD what he saw in me.

I made a second attempt to get another diagnosis some 7 years ago – but that also became rather unclear, since the psychologist first said “No, you certainly don’t have it.” in a first meeting and in a second meeting she was like: “I am leaning towards the fact that you have it now.” Both ways of being “diagnosed” were so apparently unprofessional, that I cannot really say I have an official diagnosis.

Fact is though, that I do not really care so much about the diagnosis as such, but about the actual problem complex behind it (trying to avoid the term >mental illness< here), which – for me – is contained in what people call BPD.

I am certainly not the clear-cut case. I don’t follow this stereotype of the seductive manipulator. Not at all. I am a pretty honest and sincere person, who experiences strong emotional discomfort when I have to do the tiniest lie (like telling someone I am happy, when I am not and things like that). I care terribly much about taking responsibility for my actions (I fail a lot according to my own expectations, but I really try hard to own up for what I do afterwards)  – I have enormous amounts of empathy for others. I love people who are vulnerable with their emotions and I love being open and vulnerable. All these are not aspects typically associated with people with borderline.

On the other hand I tick many of the boxes (unfortunately):

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment MILDLY/SORT OF
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships SORT OF
  • Identity disturbance MILDLY
  • Impulsivity MILDLY/SORT OF
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior SORT OF
  • Emotional instability VERY MUCH
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness NOT REALLY
  • Inappropriate, intense anger VERY MUCH
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts SORT OF

 

 

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