This will be a quick one. But I just have done it again. Gosh and I so much hate myself doing this. This definitely has to has something to do with the whole BPD complex.
I met a guy in the evening through CS. Which was all good and fine at first – but maybe after 1.5 hours I actually had enough, but for the fear of not wanting to appear like I did not enjoy his company and that I was being obviously rude since in my mind I imagined that such a meeting is supposed to be longer, I ended up spending 4 hours with him. Which was much too much too much too much too long. I am mildly dissociated now, exhausted, feeling numb, scared that I was so easily ready to do something like this to me. Why on earth can’t I take better care of myself in such situations?
This must be a BPD thing. I hate this so much. Why is what I imagine is expected of me so much more important in those moments than my own well being. It’s like I have no own will or something in those moments. The momentum is there and it drags me along, till it has run dry. Its like I have no own steering wheel. That is really a pretty good analogy. Like there is no way to steer while I have gathered any momentum.
Is that BPDish?