As I promised, here is a transcript from a talk with J, that is about 6 weeks old. It will appear quite random and scattered. There are quite some stretches of silence in between as well, where the dialog is still going on but only in my mind.
There is quite some anxiety here.
I have been thinking how one of my greatest enemies is this passivity and inactivity, when I dont need it. I mean there are times, like yesterday, when I would be lying there and just stare at the sky and look into the landscape – this is important. This should never be … like this should never be considered something bad, but … but that sense of inactivity – for example, that M. does not know, that is what I don’t want.
Its a lot of things that need to be dealt with: The whole relationship topic. I wanna try this, so I can say I have dated. I really wanna try it.
And other than that I am overwhelmed just for the lack of… how can I say that? Of clarity?
The lack of clarity that exists here. I really wanna have carpets. … Lack of clarity. …
Im sorry … maybe the problem is only, that Im distracting myself here, maybe it is better if I just sit down on the sofa.
Lack of clarity – on which level? On the day level, on the one months level, and also even on the year level. Or rather its not so much year – its a two year level. What is on the 2 year level – there are things like: I realize i want more money than I have now, and I dont really know how to get there. …
Oh everybody is looking at me like: What the Fuck, why did she book a company? Definitely. I want more money, but I dont know where to get that. I am scared of asking for enough money. I really should do research into how much money as a junior developer I can make.
Yeah two months experience is not that.
Relationship – if I want that, I need to be clear: On what can I compromise. Because if I keep waiting for That, the likelihood is so low. I have to understand where I can compromise.
My sister talks a lot of bhagwaas. And in theory it makes sense, but practically the way she does stuff is not the way she says things are right. So …
But that ??? I should contact him.
Why so negative in the morning? Ill have to sit down with you J, after Ill have made the plan, because then I will have more structure and stuff to talk about and so on.
My stomach aches a little.
Well see what I really dont want: I dont wanna be fear driven. It is better to be fear driven than to be blocked. Sure. Not sure, but true. But I wanna be passion-driven, curiosity-driven, freedom-driven, desire-driven. But sometimes it needs to be fear-driven action in order to deal with the fear. Thats what I am saying here.
Keep my priorities clear …
Strong independent woman … yeah, Ive drifted off into thinking about the car. When do I deal with that?