What to write about today? Maybe something really honest and raw?
I am terrified of tomorrow, because of work. I am terrified they will fire me. I am terrified I might not be able to work, if I am too tired, or back aches or my digestion fails me. I am terrified of explaining how I could be missing 6 hours of work that I claim I was working (but in reality spend deeply exhausted and depressed lying in bed). I am terrified of losing my job and becoming homeless again. I am terrified thinking that things simply will never get better. That there might be nothing I can do about that. That I will always – in the best case – be an under-achiever because of my extreme sensitivity and very low stress tolerance. I am terrified of being a hopeless failure, who will have to waste away the next 30 to 40 years, till I finally die after an utterly pointless and very painful life. I am very scared.
I so much pray that some time soon, I might actually experience the lightness and good ness of life again and if that is only for a day … I am very exhausted.
Thank you for reading.