Not a good day. Not at all. I feel full of bitterness and disgusted hate for one of my managers. And the only reasons for this are: He is this kind of pretend to be very nice and understanding, but in reality having a really big ego man. When you approach him with a problem, you will always end up feeling like you are wrong for having this problem to begin with (despite him “taking you very very seriously”). When push comes to shove you will be on your own. He disgusts me to be really honest. He makes my skin crawl. I CANNOT stand to be around him. Hearing his voice makes me aggressive. It takes all my energy and focus to keep a straight face around him. And I just feel low and depressed when I am at work.
I know I have long ago left the realm of rational judgment when it comes to him, but – at least currently – I don’t see a way to get out of this.
Yes, he is not the first fake, flaky, ego person that I had to be in close proximity with and developed a strong loathing for. And in all those cases we would get along in the beginning – I would sense their inauthenticity from the beginning, but be able to ignore it at first. I simply would not develop really any warm feelings for them, but stil would want to spend time with them. But at some point in time my feelings would overturn and I would realize that I am dreading being around them. Yes maybe those people are not the greatest people, but still they don’t deserve this barely controlled hatred that is focused on their whole beingness.
Why does this get me so riled up? This is probably one of my core traumas there and at least for now I dont know how to overcome this. And this is bad – I might lose my job over this…
So this is a pretty helpless / hopeless post, right? I dont think that anybody can learn anything for themselves from it. But this is really the best I can do at the state of mind/heart I am in right now. It actually is quite a step forward to write this out, instead of just going to sleep completely avoiding the thought of how really bad things are and then just continuing the disaster at work tomorrow.